Beauty tips for the Mother of the Bride

Goldy-peach-mascara sludge is not pretty.

This past Saturday my amazing, wonderful daughter got married. She was beautiful, the wedding was beautiful, the groom was beautiful, and the mother of the bride, aka me, was, well, let’s just say I did my best!

So now, let me provide you with the five tips for extreme MOTB beauty:

1. Don’t chip your tooth the week before the wedding. If that means living on yogurt for a week, so be it. (Besides, a yogurt-only diet will increase the chances that your dress will still fit.) Your dentist will be booked with all those diligent patients who plan their teeth-cleaning sessions six months in advance. To squeeze you in and do a temporary spackeling job will require “emergency” billing…

2. If you use retinol (and who doesn’t?) don’t get your eyebrows or lip waxed. Either stop using the retinol a week before, right around when you chip your tooth, so that you spend a week all chipped and wrinkly, so you can have a lovely eyebrow arch and no mustache, or save the waxing cost for the dentist and pluck (and shave) on your own. Why? Because if you use retinol, your skin thins, even where you don’t put it, like your eyelids. When they pull off the wax (this is gross) your skin will come off. Just a layer, but you will be red, swollen like a toad, and crusty. Take my word for it.

3. But what if you forget and get all toad-like and scabby? That’s where eye makeup comes in. Put a slice of cucumber on each eyelid, lie back and let the vegetable do its work. After about 15 minutes you will be less toad-like. Put a thin layer of Neosporin over the offended area, and then concealer. Then peach eyeshadow (blends nicely with the red eyelids) and white under-brow cream. Top with a glittery gold shadow, and mascara. Remember not to cry. Goldy-peach-mascara sludge is not pretty.

4. Give yourself an hour to do your hair. Even if you are just pulling it into a clip, it will take an hour and a full bottle of extra-hold to keep it from standing on end.

5. Remember, it will all be a funny story in a week. And everyone will be looking at the bride.

Mazel tov!