[Bridget Jones’s account has been hacked by the mysterious D. Steele, and in honor of #AprilFoolsDay, Madam Mariana received this question early this morning. What does this D. Steele take Madam Mariana for? a Fool? But needs must, and so this apocryphal Bridget shall have her answer!]
Dear Madam Mariana,
I’m in a bit of a pickle with two men and I just don’t know what to do as I really fancy both of them. Teensy problem with one of them- he’s my boss , you see , and I had a great drunken shag with him after a book launch at work when I accidentally insulted Sir Jeffrey Archer AND Salman Rushdie ( oops!) He definitely fancies me but he kind of fancies everyone, especially himself , and he’s a bit of a pervert and an alcoholic but he’s very witty and funny and charming!
The other man Mark, well I think I love him. He’s a top human rights barrister and very handsome but he’s not witty, funny or charming . (He’s also not an alcoholic or a pervert though.) We’ve had a few moments but he’s never actually made a move apart from saying once that he likes me just the way I am ( a little bit chubby , always late, sometimes forgetting to wear my skirt …)
So Madam Mariana – what should I do ? I’d like to go out with both of them at the same time but they went to Cambridge together and know each other and actually really dislike each other. In fact they got into a rather pathetic fight outside my house on my birthday last year when they both turned up at the same time .
What do you think ? Should I pursue the one I love even though he’s haughty and I don’t know for certain that he even likes me (or women) or just keep on shagging my good-looking boss ????
Dear Bridget (or whoever you are!),
Madam Mariana shall entertain your ludicrous question as if it were real, notwithstanding the fact that, ahem, you seem to be “having one on” her. Or shall I say, having two on? Or wishing to have both on?
Let us examine the real issue here. You are #ShaggingYourBoss, which since you live in the previous century, is not yet actionable. Fifty years from now you’ll have him up on harassment charges, but for now, you seem to want to continue bedding this alcoholic perv… Perhaps in your next letter you could expand a bit for our readers on exactly these perversions…
Is there a reason to continue with said boss? Do you wish to enjoy ring-side seats in front of your home for the next fight? Or will there be one?
It is difficult to date a man who has yet to express interest in your charming form (body judging will, paradoxically, reach unheard of heights in fifty years, as will pious demands not to #bodyjudge, as will hypocrisy and social media window dressing, but no, that’s not getting undressed in front of the window, Bridget, keep your skirt on.)
Why don’t you send the charming, non-alcoholic, non-perv gentleman a note, suggesting a coffee-date, and try to get to know him? Or, of course, invite him as your date to the anachronistic “Tarts and Vicars” party you’re attending next week? Talk about perv…
Enjoy a copy of REWIND by Denise Steele